Quarantine poetry

I haven’t written much during the past few months, despite so much happening at all time . Call it fatigue , call it avoidance – but I am actively pushing myself to do more personal writing lately. Mostly, I write in a an old fashioned diary. But the other day, I was in the tub under the influence of hormones and THC and the words started to flood out. Here are two of the five I ended up writing. I may post the others if I can get them polished a bit more.


Too Much, Never Enough

I get anxious and my heart beats like a drum played by a rabbit on steroids
And I want to apologize for apologizing
I wish I could be neat
On top of things
You are fastidious and orderly
And I am a tornado churning through a trailer park
I want nothing more than to wrap myself into you
At all hours
But I force space and time and pretend it’s fine
Because I can’t stand the thought of being Too Much.
I am often Too Much
And yet somehow, I feel like I am also never enough
It’s an irony that isn’t lost on me
But I wanted him so badly
And the loss was almost more than I could bear
So I won’t let it get that far again
Because in the long run I know only I can protect my heart
Even though I’d love to let someone else carry a little bit of the weight
I’m so heavy sometimes
Too much to carry, never enough to hold onto very long
And I want you to know that it’s not your fault
I’m just built this way
There’s a storm inside me
And for as long as I can remember, it has raged
You are smooth, placid shorelines
The crisp clean of a perfect autumn day
Leaves bright and ready to tumble
And it makes me want to scream
Because I am the trees after they fall
Barren and scraping at the darkening sky
A persistent threat of icy rain
And how long can order love chaos?


I Am Not Permanent

I tell him if this one doesn’t work this time
Then I’m done
And it’s not meant to be something epic and sad
Just a truth, just a fact
Maybe I’m not meant for something bigger
Maybe permanent isn’t meant to be mine
Maybe I’ve always been that wild horse
Just running and running and trying to decide
Which pasture is greener
But no matter how often I get to the other side
There’s still another side I want to try
And I refuse to allow someone to settle for me
If we settle then we are just perpetuating
The same tired storylines
And I still try so damn hard every time
Thinking maybe I can find someone
Wild-hearted enough to meet with mine
Or tame enough to reign me in
Without it feeling like I’m drowning every time I fill my lungs.
But it isn’t any body’s fault,
It’s just the way I’m built
It’s just the way I grew
It’s just the only way I know how to be.
So I’m sad when I want to cry
And I’m happy when you make me smile
But I’m scared that the truth is still:
I’m not meant for something permanent.
I’m not meant for someone to be mine.

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